Truth Is Simply Stated! : No Confusion or Conflicts!

 Good things to know:

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to
keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with
flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children
just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, "Close enough."

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I've ever done.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed. We're having a meeting.

"Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech
support guy is asleep. He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.

Today's 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite
apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don't ask your wife when dinner will be
ready while she's mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to
transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.

Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that
needs work.

"On time" is, when you get there.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten
minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.

Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.

Now, I'm wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me
or have I only sent it to myself.